Sunday we talked about Caleb and his example during out sermon time. What a great man of God. He was still taking on mountains and giants at 85 years of age. The sermon began with a series of stories. Here is the humor section of the message:
Let’s take a quick look at what it means to be getting older:
· When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
· I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. - Milton Berle
· I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
· I’m so old that when I went to school they didn’t have history.
· You know you’re getting old when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
· You know you’re getting old when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you’re not wearing socks.
The Washington Post asked senior readers to address how different things were in their day. We’ve all heard the stories but maybe not these that were contest winners:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 50-year-old guys.
In my day, we didn't have video games. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”. The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, “Someone’s at the door, I’ll get it.”
Speaking of aging, I came across a comedian’s take on aging that I really like. It says, “Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids. If you are less than ten years old you are so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? I’m four and a half. You are never 36½ . You are four and a half going on five. That’s the key. You get into your teens and now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, even a few ahead. How old are you? I’m going to be 16 and you could be 13, but hey you are going to be 16. Then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You become 21. Yes, but then you turn 30. Ooh, what happened there. Makes you sound like bad milk. He turned, we had to throw him out. There is no fun now, you just soured. What’s wrong? What’s changed? You become 21. You turn 30 and then you are pushing 40. Whoa, put on the brakes. It’s all slipping away. Before you know it you reach 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait, you make it to 60. You didn’t think you would, but you make it. So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60. You built up so much speed now that you hit 70. After that it’s a day-to-day thing. You hit Wednesday. You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle. You hit lunch. You turn 4:30. You reach bedtime. It doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s you start going backwards. I was just 92 and then a strange thing happens if you make it over 100 you become a little kid again. I’m 100½.”
· When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
· I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. - Milton Berle
· I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
· I’m so old that when I went to school they didn’t have history.
· You know you’re getting old when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
· You know you’re getting old when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you’re not wearing socks.
The Washington Post asked senior readers to address how different things were in their day. We’ve all heard the stories but maybe not these that were contest winners:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 50-year-old guys.
In my day, we didn't have video games. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”. The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, “Someone’s at the door, I’ll get it.”
Speaking of aging, I came across a comedian’s take on aging that I really like. It says, “Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids. If you are less than ten years old you are so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? I’m four and a half. You are never 36½ . You are four and a half going on five. That’s the key. You get into your teens and now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, even a few ahead. How old are you? I’m going to be 16 and you could be 13, but hey you are going to be 16. Then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You become 21. Yes, but then you turn 30. Ooh, what happened there. Makes you sound like bad milk. He turned, we had to throw him out. There is no fun now, you just soured. What’s wrong? What’s changed? You become 21. You turn 30 and then you are pushing 40. Whoa, put on the brakes. It’s all slipping away. Before you know it you reach 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait, you make it to 60. You didn’t think you would, but you make it. So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60. You built up so much speed now that you hit 70. After that it’s a day-to-day thing. You hit Wednesday. You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle. You hit lunch. You turn 4:30. You reach bedtime. It doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s you start going backwards. I was just 92 and then a strange thing happens if you make it over 100 you become a little kid again. I’m 100½.”
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